The saddest day of our lives

Today is finally over. It's hard to believe that we have even been through this week as I had prayed that we wouldn't have to do this, we hoped and wished every day that his fluid wouldn't all drain out and that we would make it past that elusive 23-24 week point. I feel kind of numb, empty inside and I miss being pregnant, even though each day was filled with worry.

But the service that we attended today was just perfect, simple and peaceful. I can now learn to heal and we will strive to be parents again in just a few months.

I don't really know what else to post today. It's just a quiet day for reflection.

Chris would like to say something in my blog today also:

I never wanted to be the guy who had to carry his son's coffin into the crematorium. Just before Christmas I read an account from a guy who'd done just that and it reduced me to tears, the thought of it was just too horrifying to think of.

Today, I had to carry Matthew's casket into the crem and now, I can't imagine anyone else doing it for me. I thought it would tear me apart, instead, there was only a curious sense of peace and tranquility as I took his tiny coffin in my arms.

It's a very wierd feeling having a son and losing him so quickly, there are those who would say that because he didn't make it to 24 weeks he "doesn't count" but for Elly and I the fact that his tiny body was real brings it home hard and I'm not going to apologise for taking steps to give him a proper send-off.

We decided we didn't want any fuss, religious types or family and friends around so the chapel was empty except for Elly and I and it just felt right - two tunes were played and it was so very peaceful. I expected to feel empty, even angry, but I was surprised to feel just peaceful - odd how these situations affect you I suppose ...

So, he's gone now. We'll have to wait a couple of weeks for his ashes to be returned but this week is now officially over and we can start to look to the future. Even though we've been through months of worry, emergency trips to the hospital and the loss of our lovely little boy there's no chance we'll be giving up. I've seen now what it is to be a father and I can't wait to try again - there's no doubt that within the next 18 months I'll be holding a baby in my arms and Elly and i will have the child that we so dearly want.