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Monday, 1 February 2010

This time tomorrow I will be a mother

Wow, I never thought this day would come. I never thought I'd make it to 37 weeks, and I had a hard time believing that I could be so lucky after having so much bad luck in the past with my 5 previous pregnancies.

But...It just goes to show, that with sheer determination, a little bit of hope, and the will to never give up on the things that you want so badly in life, you can have them.

In less than 24 hours I'll be going to the hospital for a caesarean section, and we will get to meet our children for the first time. I'm so happy I could cry. (oh bugger, now I am!)

Some people reading this blog will truly understand how I feel, those of you who have also had to endure IVF treatment, miscarriages, ectopic pregnancy's and premature deliveries, you will know just how special tomorrow will be for myself and Chris. Everyone else is thrilled for us and I can tell there is much excitement as they know our road has not been an easy one to travel.

I hope to be able to post an update as soon as possible, but I'm not sure when that will be. I expect I will be in hospital for about 5 days, but I might be able to get Chris to post messages for me when he pops home to feed the cat!

I also wanted to repost a poem that I once read that sums up how I've been feeling for quite some time. Of course this applies to two children!

I am a Mother

There are women that become mothers without effort,
without thought, without patience or loss
and though they are good mothers and love their children,
I know that I will be better.

I will be better not because of genetics, or money or that I have read more books,
but because I have struggled and toiled for this child.
I have longed and waited. I have cried and prayed.
I have endured and planned over and over again.
Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation are those who have struggled to attain their dreams.

I will notice everything about my child.
I will take time to watch my child sleep, explore and discover.
I will marvel at this miracle every day for the rest of my life.
I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night to the sound of my child,
knowing that I can comfort, hold and feed her
and that I am not waking to take another temperature, pop another pill,
take another shot or cry tears of a broken dream.
My dream will be crying for me.

I count myself lucky in this sense: that God has given me this insight,
this special vision with which I will look upon my child that my friends will not see.
Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to or a child that God leads me to,
I will not be careless with my love.
I will be a better mother for all that I have endured.
I am a better wife, a better aunt, a better daughter,
neighbour, friend and sister because I have known pain.

I know disillusionment as I have been betrayed by my own body,
I have been tried by fire and a hell that many never face,
yet given time, I stood tall.
I have prevailed.
I have succeeded.
I have won.

So now, when others hurt around me,
I do not run from their pain in order to save myself discomfort.
I see it, mourn it, and join them in theirs.
I listen.

And even though I cannot make it better, I can make it less lonely.
I have learned the immense power of another hand holding tight to mine,
of other eyes that moisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth,
to accept when life is beyond hard.

I have learned a compassion that only comes with walking in these shoes.
I have learned to appreciate life.
Yes, I will be a wonderful mother.


Anonymous said...

Elly and Chris,

I've been reading regularly and, like you, I am just so delighted that tomorrow IS going to come and that you will at last be parents. I think the last time I commented, it was when you were getting on the flight to come home from the US and I hopefully referred to the little passengers you had with you. Well, those little transatlantic voyagers made it. Here's to your new life that will start with such joy tomorrow.

You have triumphed.

Much love

Jane and family, Vancouver

PS THe poem really struck me - I've been down that road too. It does change you - but for the better.

Anonymous said...

Thank you Elly for those wonderful words. Tears are close by as I read them. I thank God that you and Chris have been blessed in so many ways, with your talents, with each other, with the angels who left you too soon and now with your two girls who you meet tomorrow. Yes, you will be a wonderful mother and Chris will be a wonderful father. Your angels are smilling on you as the door opens to the next adventure in your lives.
Minow xxx

Portia P said...

Hi Elly
I've seen your blog once or twice, but weirdly, happened to arrive here this morning.
I'm SO excited for you.
My little boy (15months) was conceived after 5 IVF's and so I have SOME idea of what you've been through.
Good luck with your CSection and with those babies.

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