Today is New Years eve which means we get to start new again tomorrow. The last 2 years haven't been much fun for us really since we lost Matthew.
Almost everything we do is marred by the fact that we don't have children - I know this sounds quite harsh but there is much truth in this statement.
Every penny we earn we have to save for IVF, every Christmas is now tainted by the fact he isn't here enjoying the presents we would have bought him, every holiday isn't a holiday really because it involves doing the IVF treatment.
I only drink decaf coffee, I haven't had an alcoholic drink in months, and I'm permanently on a diet because of the yo-yo weight gain caused in part by the drugs and in part by the binging that happens every time we fail. This list goes on (and I won't bore you with all the details today!) but I'm sure you can see where this is going.
I know we are an exceptionally strong couple, and we always pick ourselves up off the floor, brush off and get on with it - but after 6 rounds of IVF, 5 lost pregnancies and more money that we would have liked to have spent on this, it wears you down.
It pulls on your heart strings every time you hear a friend or someone you know is pregnant, all of my IVF friends have had their babies now - most have had twins - and here we sit £34,000 worse off with no children running around and just a photograph of our dear son to remind us of what we are missing.
Some might think we are feeling sorry for ourselves, and they'd probably be right - but I do get sick of the waiting, sick of the extortionate costs, sick of the needles the drugs and the vast number of pregnancy tests that lie wasted in the bin with a negative result.
So - that was the past. I try not to dwell on the past too much and too often because once it's done you can't change it, so you have to look to the future.
I remain positive, optimistic, strong willed and determined to get to where we want to be. I won't give up because quitters never win.
I hope that I can be a mummy in 2009 and that I can see the one thing that I have dreamt of for years now - the day I can hand our baby to my husband and call him daddy for real.
Please make this OUR year.