What to do now?

I've had a quiet couple of days which has been nice. I had a lovely day on Monday with my friend and I'm keeping myself busy when I'm on my own.

I have a very good friend coming to stay with me next week, then after that I will be getting back to work and start working towards our next round of treatment.

We are still both very sad about last weeks events, I don't know how long it will take before we can get through a day without some tears, but I know it will get easier as time passes.

A quiet weekend

I find myself not knowing what to write for once, Chris has just gone off to work and I'm sat quietly in the living room. The last few weeks have been such a rollercoaster of events and emotions that I don't know what to do with myself!

I have a dear friend coming over today, and I'm looking forward to that. She got married just before Christmas so we have some good gossip to catch up on.

The saddest day of our lives

Today is finally over. It's hard to believe that we have even been through this week as I had prayed that we wouldn't have to do this, we hoped and wished every day that his fluid wouldn't all drain out and that we would make it past that elusive 23-24 week point. I feel kind of numb, empty inside and I miss being pregnant, even though each day was filled with worry.

But the service that we attended today was just perfect, simple and peaceful. I can now learn to heal and we will strive to be parents again in just a few months.

I don't really know what else to post today. It's just a quiet day for reflection.

Chris would like to say something in my blog today also:

I never wanted to be the guy who had to carry his son's coffin into the crematorium. Just before Christmas I read an account from a guy who'd done just that and it reduced me to tears, the thought of it was just too horrifying to think of.

Today, I had to carry Matthew's casket into the crem and now, I can't imagine anyone else doing it for me. I thought it would tear me apart, instead, there was only a curious sense of peace and tranquility as I took his tiny coffin in my arms.

It's a very wierd feeling having a son and losing him so quickly, there are those who would say that because he didn't make it to 24 weeks he "doesn't count" but for Elly and I the fact that his tiny body was real brings it home hard and I'm not going to apologise for taking steps to give him a proper send-off.

We decided we didn't want any fuss, religious types or family and friends around so the chapel was empty except for Elly and I and it just felt right - two tunes were played and it was so very peaceful. I expected to feel empty, even angry, but I was surprised to feel just peaceful - odd how these situations affect you I suppose ...

So, he's gone now. We'll have to wait a couple of weeks for his ashes to be returned but this week is now officially over and we can start to look to the future. Even though we've been through months of worry, emergency trips to the hospital and the loss of our lovely little boy there's no chance we'll be giving up. I've seen now what it is to be a father and I can't wait to try again - there's no doubt that within the next 18 months I'll be holding a baby in my arms and Elly and i will have the child that we so dearly want.

We got to see him one last time

Another difficult day today as we went up to the funeral directors to see baby Matthew for the last time. We took with us the little t-shirt and hat, as well as the little miniture teddy that we bought for him yesterday.

When we arrived, we were shown into the chapel and told to take as much time as we needed. When we walked in we saw a foot long coffin with a brass plaque on the top that read

Baby Matthew Russell
Died
January 22nd 2007

It broke our hearts to see this and we both found it quite difficult to not cry. But we remained strong and removed the lid so that we could wrap him in his little tshirt and put his hat on.

He was just like he was the other day when we saw him, perfect in every way, just tiny. The hat actually fit him just right (we thought it would be too big), but the tshirt which was for a preemie baby was too big so we simply laid it over him and tucked him in.

After wrapping the little blanket back around him, we placed him gently back in his coffin and gave him his teddy before we said farewell. Tomorrow we will go to the crem and say our final goodbye.

As we mentioned yesterday we have chosen 2 songs to play tomorrow as we are not having anyone say anything, I thought it would be nice to put the tracks up here so that you can hear them if you don't know them.

I'm also going to post the lyrics as it's the words that mean so much to us both.

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Track one will be played as we bring Matthew into the crematorium.

Click here to download it

Guns N' Roses - Don't cry

Talk to me softly
There is something in your eyes
Don't hang your head in sorrow
And please don't cry
I know how you feel inside I've
I've been there before
Somethin is changin' inside you
And don't you know


Don't you cry tonight
I still love you baby
Don't you cry tonight
Don't you cry tonight
There's a heaven above you baby
And don't you cry tonight


Give me a whisper
And give me a sign
Give me a kiss before you
tell me goodbye
Don't you take it so hard now
And please don't take it so bad
I'll still be thinkin' of you
And the times we had...baby


And don't you cry tonight
Don't you cry tonight
Don't you cry tonight
There's a heaven above you baby
And don't you cry tonight


And please remember that I never lied
And please remember
how I felt inside now honey
You gotta make it your own way
But you'll be alright now sugar
You'll feel better tomorrow
Come the morning light now baby


And don't you cry tonight
And don't you cry tonight
And don't you cry tonight
There's a heaven above you baby
And don't you cry
Don't you ever cry
Don't you cry tonight
Baby maybe someday
Don't you cry
Don't you ever cry
Don't you cry
Tonight

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Track 2 will be played as we sit and reflect, a time to remember and say goodbye.

Click here to download it

Snow Patrol - Chasing Cars

We'll do it all
Everything
On our own

We don't need
Anything
Or anyone

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

I don't quite know
How to say
How I feel

Those three words
Are said too much
They're not enough

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

Forget what we're told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden that's bursting into life

Let's waste time
Chasing cars
Around our heads

I need your grace
To remind me
To find my own

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

Forget what we're told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden that's bursting into life

All that I am
All that I ever was
Is here in your perfect eyes, they're all I can see

I don't know where
Confused about how as well
Just know that these things will never change for us at all

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

It's been a busy day one way or another, we've been out of the house gathering bits and pieces for Friday.

When Matthew died the hospital gave us two options; either to have him cremated as part of a mass ceremony at the hospital or to make our own arrangements. We decided to go with the private option and with the aid of our local funeral home we have a slot booked at the local crematorium on Friday morning.

We didn't want any fuss, in fact what we wanted was just the cremation process so we could have his ashes returned to us, however, the funeral director told us the hearse would take the coffin to the crem where it would wait for 30 minutes before being taken away. That being the case we decided we would attend but there will be no minister, flowers or frills. Just us and our little boy. We picked out two songs for the occassion, Guns N' Roses' "Don't Cry" and "Chasing Cars" by Snow Patrol - not traditional choices by any stretch of the imagination, but it means a lot to us.

So, the reason for our trip out today was to find something for Matthew to wear, we had started to buy some baby clothes but we have nothing that will fit a 21 week premature baby so we had to resort to looking for dolls clothes and even then what we have will be too big. We eventually settled on a tiny t-shirt fom Babies R Us which says BB on the front, it's tiny but it'll still take some creative dressing to make it look right. We also bought a child's doll for it's tiny cap as it was the closest size to Matthew's head. We also picked up a couple of little soft toys.

We heard from the funeral director this afternoon, Matthew has been returned from the hospital so we can visit tomorrow and see him for the last time.

RIP - Matthew Christopher Stuart Russell

Today I don't know how to start this blog entry. My news is not good and it is heartbreaking to have to write this.

On Sunday morning I woke up and felt what I thought was the umbilical cord hanging down, after calling the hospital they sent an ambulance out to us as this is a serious condition (known officially as cord prolapse) which can be fatal to the baby and can be serious for the mother too.

On arrival at the hospital they confirmed that the cord was indeed on its way down and that labour was now inevitable. They took some blood to test for infection and took us to a very nice room where we could prepare ourselves for the next step.

Sunday afternoon we got our blood test results back and they showed that the levels had risen and that infection was on it's way and that this could be bad for me as it could damage my uterus, so we opted to induce labour the same day rather than waiting until the following day when they would have induced anyway.

At 1.45am on Monday 22nd January the contractions began and I was given medication to help with the pain.

At 7am I went into the delivery room and began to deliver. After much pushing, three vomiting incidents and a lot of gas and air plus a shot of Pethadine, Matthew Christopher Stuart Russell was born at 11.09am. He was stillborn.

We got to spend some time with him, and even though he was only 21 weeks and 3 days old he was a fully formed, very beautiful little baby boy. He was about 12-14 inches long, weighed 15 1/2 ounces and was quite clearly our baby, as he had his dad's nose, feet and mouth and his mum's dimple chin.

This is one of the hardest days of our life but we will never forget our son, even though we never had the opportunity to know his personality, he meant a lot to us and gave us hope.

This has been a long road for us so far, be we remain determined to end this journey with a baby, so we will not give up, and at some point later this year we will begin the IVF treatment again.

But for now we will remember Matthew with love, and we will treasure the time we had during the pregnancy and on his birth day.

A little better today - 21 weeks!

We had quite a lot of fluid loss yesterday and overnight, so the last 24 hours have been pretty tough for us, we spent most of the day in tears convinced that BB wasn't going to make it, as I was in the loo every hour losing more fluid.

Things seems to be a little better today and not had very much loss, I don't know if this is because I lost it all yesterday and there isn't any left, or that it has healed up a bit as I had my mum around last night and she gave me some healing, so today things are a little brighter.

We went to the hospital this morning and they are sticking to the scan next weds, they didn't see the point in doing one today as still they can't do anything. so I had my blood tests and they also took a swab as they are still checking for signs of infection. We just need to pray (and I'm not religious!) that the water I'm drinking passes to BB and he wee's a lot to make more fluid.

I can't believe we are still hanging in there, this is probably the worst thing we have ever had to cope with and remember that I've had a miscarriage and 2 ectopics so we have lost 3 pregnancies before, but in comparison this is so much harder as I have already felt this little one moving inside me, and we have seen him/her on scans. Somehow it feels like we have so much more to lose.

We are doing our best to stay strong though as BB is holding on and needs us to be positive and to never give up hope.

Please let us get through the next 3 weeks so at least the medical teams will see him/her as a viable baby and will try to save BB if he/she comes early...

Fluid Loss in the Night

Yesterday afternoon we noticed a few dribbles of something we thought was fluid again, but we weren't sure as I'd had a shower earlier in the day.

However, at 2.45am, I went to the loo and felt a familiar gushing. I lost about 13ml of fluid. We checked the baby's heartbeat and everything seemed OK. At 5am and 8.30am I lost more fluid and at 9.40am the largest amount so far. It's been about 45ml in total.

We're beside ourselves and we don't know what to do, we know the hospital can't help us as, thankfully, I'm not in labour and there are so signs of infection as my temperature is OK.

We're just holding on for now and if it gets worse we'll go up to the hospital.

Please pray for us and our baby and send us lots of positive thoughts today and hope we can stop this fluid loss again.

Another day :)

We made it through another day and night and BB is still in there and going strong. Chris has been amazing through all this and has been so supportive of me at this really diffucult time, I can't thank him enough!

He has a very understanding boss who has kindly allowed him to work from home for now (I know we will owe him many dinners when all this is done!) and as a result Chris is able to make sure that I stay firmly in bed where I should be. Without him I wouldn't have the several bottles of water I drink a day, lunch and dinner (and he is learning to cook for me as he didn't do cooking before this!!) plus anything else I need through out the day including helping me in the shower as I'm too terrified to bend over in case I rupture the membrane further!

To my gorgeous husband, I love you and I thank you from the bottom of my heart for being here for me and our baby. You don't know how precious you are...

At the hospital yesterday for a scan and checkup

We went up to the hospital yesterday to get the blood test results (which were ok) and to have a scan to check the baby and the fluid levels.

The scan went ok and ended up being out 20 week anomoly scan too, so we had a full check up on everything.

So far the baby's growth is good, everything is where it should be, the heart and brain looked good and BB was moving around as expected.

As for the fluid levels they measured 4cm of fluid which is at the lower end of normal according to the sonographer and the consultant - this means that there is fluid in there and it's ok at the moment. We even saw BB swallowing - which is an excellent sign.

We had another long chat with the consultant and she basically told us that we are not out of danger just because the fluid has stopped leaking. We are still very much at risk from spontaneous labour and infection as once the membrane has ruptured it will remain weakened.

Going forward, we will be having blood tests taken twice a week to monitor for infection and another scan next Wednesday to recheck the fluid levels.

I do feel a little happier knowing that BB has fluid in there to breathe - but we are still very worried about the risks we face over the coming weeks.

Please stay positive for us and keep sending BB lots of healing and energy.

Every day is a blessing

It's now Sunday morning and we got through another day with no fluid loss and surprisingly I had no bleeding too!

I'm feeling a lot better today as the more days we go with no fluid loss the better it must be for the baby.

We are off out later today as I have to go to the hospital to get a blood sample taken so they will have the results in time for the scan and meeting with the consultant tomorrow. It will be nice to get some fresh air!

Not much else to write about as spending all day and all night in bed isn't very exciting!

We made it to 20 weeks!

This is a HUGE milestone, and although we are not out of danger yet I'm so pleased we got this far, every day that passes is good for us and BB, so roll on 21 weeks now!

We had another good night. We have been doing the positive visualisatoin thing and I haven't had any fluid loss since Tuesday night - so I'm hoping we have sealed the hole! who knows, but no fluid loss is a good thing so I'm going to keep doing it. Also my temperature is good and BB's heartbeat is nice and strong. This is a very tough time but we are getting there, and this strict bedrest thing is doing something good.

We have to go to the hospital on Sunday for a blood test and again on Monday for a scan and to see the consultant, so I'm hoping the scan will show that the fluid levels are back up and BB is ok.

We made it another day

19 weeks and 6 days - another night has passed and we are still hanging in there. BB is strong and we checked his/her heartbeat at 5am it was a solid 140. It has been over 24 hours now since we last saw fluid loss which has to be a good thing, although I did lose some blood last night atoun 9.30pm and another clot.

I'm also waiting to hear from the hospital about the appointments next week. I just called them and it seems they have forgotten to book them. I'm not a happy bunny, so I have a midwife chasing this for me now. I will call her again later if I don't hear anything!

Please keep thinking positive thoughts for us all, and spend 5 minutes when you can visualising the tear in the membrane healing itself - Something must be working so far so please keep it coming!

Useful Information

Here are a few links that I have found to more medical information on what we are going through:

Premature Rupture of membrane (PROM) - Fantastic site with loads of useful, easy to digest info and stories

American Family Physician - This has lots of useful information.

Medem - more useful info on PROM

Chorioamnionitis - This relates to the infection that I must avoid.

My waters broke - not good news

This has been a very harrowing week so far, on Monday at 5.30am I was woken with a gushing sensation, I figured it was the bleeding again but on getting to the loo I realised that there was some other fluid mixed with it. It happened again at 6.30am so we called the hospital as I was worried that was I was seeing was amniotic fluid.

Sadly my worst fears were confirmed, I was in fact losing amnio fluid, and it seems that the membrane of the sac that the baby is in has somehow broken or torn and I'm losing fluid.

We saw a consultant that morning and he told us there is a 5% chance the baby will survive as we are not yet past the critical 24 week stage where they can offer help. We were also told that their biggest concern right now is me getting an infection as this could cause all sorts of other problems.

Anyway we made it through the night (in hospital) and the baby seemed OK in the morning, more doctors telling us the same thing, that this is not good and we have to avoid getting an infection.

If we can get the baby to 24 weeks we can be given steriods which will help the baby's lungs develop and we might stand a chance, but it's touch and go.

They sent me home again as there isn't any more I can do other than total bed rest and keep the infections away! I'm on a course of antibiotics for the next 10 days to help with this, but I'm not sure what they will do for me after this point.

So far today all seems ok with the baby, we are just taking each day as it comes and I'm now sat in bed and not moving, I'm not sure what I will do when Chris goes back into work as he works in London and he is a minimum of an hour and a half away fom me (if he misses the right train connection it's 2 hours), so I'm hoping that he will be able to work from home a bit as I really need him here.

This is so hard for us. After everything we have been through to get to 20 weeks and be given these odds is just devastating. However I'm a fighter and so is Chris and it looks like BB will take after us as he/she is still hanging in there after 3 days and we are not going to give up.

I have an appointment with the docs next Tuesday for a blood test as they will check for infections and then again on Wednesday we will go for a scan and see the consultant, so my goal for now is to make it to then and prove them ALL wrong.

I've never been so scared, but we are strong and we will hold on. I have read stories of other ladies that this has happened to and they made it, if they can, so can we.

Keep everything crossed for us. I will keep you updated as often as I can.

19 weeks pregnant today!

According to the ticker I have just 147 days to go:) We are almost halfway there now which is amazing.

Nothing really to write about today as I am still sat at home mostly on the sofa resting and keeping BB safe - quite a dull life for me (if you know me well you will know this is the opposite of what I'm usually like!) but if it keeps the baby safe and growing then I'll do what it takes.

Right now this baby is the single most important thing in our lives and I'll do anything to ensure he or she makes it into this world safely.

Bleeding back again

It had tailed off a little over the last couple of days and I was beginning to get hopeful that it was about to stop! However at 4am last night I had another clot (1 inch) and the red bleeding was back with a vengeance :(

I called the midwife out this morning to see if she could do me a blood test to check my iron levels, and she came out as asked at around 11am.

She tested my urine for proteins, this came back ok, she checked my blood pressure which was also ok and she took a blood sample for analysis.

I'm not going to rush up to the hospital again as it's not heavy enough to worry me, and I know there isn't anything they can or will do for me other than check the things the midwife did this morning, so I'm better off resting at home.

I am still taking my pregnacare tablets daily so I am assuming that the iron that is contained in here is helping keep me healthy, plus I'm also taking omega vits for a brainy baby and vitamin c to keep my immune system strong!

This baby is costing us a fortune already and it's not even here yet!

Feeling baby move

I have to admit I haven't posted on here about this yet as I wanted to make sure that I was feeling this and also to enjoy something for myself for a short while! But I have to admit it now I have felt BB moving.

The first time I felt it was at 15 weeks, it was a slight fluttering and I wasn't really sure for a week or so if this was BB, but it has continued, sometimes 3 times a day for the last 3 weeks so now I'm sure that what I am feeling is the baby!

Today I think I might have felt a kick or two. Well it wasn't really a kick, more of a gentle prodding from the inside - either way it was the baby moving which makes me very happy!

I am still bleeding though, I am now going to assume this is just the way it's going to be.

Chris has done a BB countdown ticker for me that he wrote in Java, so as of right now according to the ticker there is 3587 hours and 24 minutes to go until we meet our baby which is 149 days or 21 weeks and 1 day :)

New Year - The year we will have our baby!

Yesterday was the last day that Chris was home on holiday so we spent it cuddled up on the sofa watching tv and just enjoying each others company.

The bleeding is still there (49 days today) but it's not as heacy as it was and I've not had any clots in the last couple of days! This either means that it's easing up a bit or that a HUGE clot is busy forming and it will scare the hell out of me sometime over the next few days!

We are also awaiting news from Chris's brother Steve, who's wife is due to go into labour any day now! We were hoping it was going to be yesterday but no news as yet so I guess babyR is hanging on in there!

Chris's mum is also in hospital at the moment after having an angina attack a few days ago. She will be having an angiogram today so I'm hoping that everything will be ok.